I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
my penis made a compromise with my morals
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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