She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
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