Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
