Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
