I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
