Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
