I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
