Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
