You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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