After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Randomize
