I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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