in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
