the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Text me some of your sweat
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
