is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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