Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
