My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
