I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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