connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
