saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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