Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
