Please, let me fuck your mom
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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