my vag is so smooth its legendary
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
