I look better un-naked...
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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