smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
