i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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