I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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