haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
kristin has been a bad kristin
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
