Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
