May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
