I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
