dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
