you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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