My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
