i permit you to call me
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
