well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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