i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
