Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Someone shit on the floor
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
