My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
