I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
