1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
