Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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