i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Randomize
