I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I love you.
Bad choice
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
