No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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