he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
