i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
