Whatcha textin bout Willis?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
