theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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