No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
