so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
